Well, this is it. It's March 23, 2008. I am now officially 18 years old.  I can legally buy cigarettes, I can legally enter bars, and I can legally do whatever the FUCK I want!!!!!!

As wonderful as that sounds, I find myself sitting here angry and unhappy. Not because I'm getting older and it's making me depressed or anything... it's just that I'm watching New York Minute (got it with my birthday money) and I'm looking at Mary Kate and comparing her to myself... I'm NO WHERE NEAR as thin as I want to be. It's really fucking depressing and frustrating. I work so hard and then fuck everything up over and over. I mean... I did well yesterday, I only had 500 calories, maybe even a little less. But I just can't seem to accept the fact that this is how I look NOW, but it WILL be different if I just keep going. I don't know why I expect to diet one day and then poof, I'm Mary Kate Olsen. No, it doesn't fucking work like that. UGH.

I should be happy. I lost 30 pounds from November to January. That's really good. If I can do that, I can do this. I can go from 112 to 90 in three months. It wasn't that hard then, it shouldn't be hard now.

UGHjfajerg
I'm just so angry. SO angry at myself. I'm huge, flabby, gross.... I HATE MYSELF.

fakejgjajga

I have to avoid food at all costs tomorrow. I might have to eat a LITTTTTTTLE piece of cake... but that's all. And some alcohol because I mean.... it's my 18th birthday. I have to drink! lol at least a little. It doesn't take much to get me buzzed, so it won't be so bad. I don't have a specific calorie goal for tomorrow either, but I'm definitely gonna try to stay at 600 or less.

Anyway.......
I'm gonna go watch New York Minute and try not to kill myself.

<3